Redneck Recipe # 16 - "Terminal Illness" and Funyun Onion Pie Recipe

From Gus’s Redneck’s Kitchen (Specializing in Bait, Tackle and Haute Cuisine)

For folks who like funny country stories and great country food all on the same plate

Terminal Illness　　

Some worms are worse than are other worms. Some are benevolent. Some are both.

Jeremy Prentiss was an accountant for Nebels, Shorten and Franklin Investment Corporation at their main office in Dry Creek, North Dakota. The money this fine company used for investments came from folks here and there, all across the United States.

Jeremy liked his job twiddling with numbers. He really liked it because Dry Creek, North Dakota was a quiet place in which to work and from which there was little competition for his job of numbers twiddling.

Jeremy was of the modern world. He made use of a desktop computer which, by using lots of wires and telephone connections, could feed Jeremy’s data to the great big computer that Nebels, Shorten and Franklin Investment Corporation rented in New York City.

In between balancing balance sheets and creating flow charts and earnings prediction reports, Jeremy had time on his hands. He would open a can of soft drink, lean back in his chair, put the desktop computer’s keyboard onto his lap and launch into his E-mail file.

Over time, Jeremy had contacted people all over the world using that E-mail facility. One of those people was Olie Svensen, that computer whiz, Swedish kid who authored the infamous "Gotcha Worm." Svensen, friendly kid that he was, attached a copy of his worm to an E-mail he sent to Jeremy.

Now then, the "Gotcha Worm" was a destructive monster of a computer worm. It was designed to burrow into the users’ computer data files and to add "3" to every number it found in those files. Then, the worm would hop on over to the data-sending software and piggyback its way from one computer system to the next one connected to it.

All of a sudden, Jeremy’s balance sheets stopped balancing. His flow charts spilled over. But, and this was a surprise to the Nebels, Shorten and Franklin headquarter people, investments really picked up.

What had happened was that the earnings predictions of all of Nebels, Shorten and Franklin Investment Corporation’s investments jumped overnight from so-so to phenomenal.

When the numbers were discovered to have all ended with a "3." Jeremy was fired from his job. He explained his leaving Nebels, Shorten and Franklin in the new resume he used to seek new work, "Released from Nebels, Shorten and Franklin Investment Corporation due to terminal illness."

Someone once told me that a "gourmet chef" is a cook who does not have to clean the pots and pans.

My own definition for a "redneck gourmet chef" is - a cook who buys ready-made pie crusts at the grocery store. (They are in the refrigerated section.)

Right away, an onion pie does not immediately appeal to the mental taste thoughts. However, once you have a bite or two of this onion pie you will be hooked.

Peel a large sweet onion and either slice it into half-inch slices or chop it into little pieces, whichever you like. Not a bad idea to also chop up a couple of stalks of celery, too. Put some butter into a skillet and cook the vegetables until the onion pieces turn clear.

Mix 3 eggs with 1 cup of milk and 1/4 cup of flour. Add 1/8 teaspoon each of ground cloves, ginger, dry mustard, and paprika. Toss in about 1/4 teaspoon of salt and the same of black pepper. Mix all to smoothness.

Line a 13x9x2 inch baking pan with pie crust. Poke some holes in the crust with a fork. Put a thick layer of cooked onion onto the crust. If you enjoy meat, chop up some cooked beef, pork, or chicken and put that over the onions. Pour the egg mixture into the pan. Cover everything with 1 pound of shredded cheese (most any kind you like). Some folks might prefer to make little round pies in little round pans... that is OK, too.

Bake at 350 degrees for about 1 hour or until the pie is nicely browned. If you made the things in little round pans, you are on your own as to timing. we never made them that way.

Tastes great when you eat this pie with almost any kind of meat.

　More of Gus’s Redneck Recipes are here on Hubpages, and you can get a free download of one version of his "Redneck Rub(R) Cookbook" at

www.sampsonafb.com

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