Redneck Tale # 67 – Ups and Downs
59Uppity?
Some might read this article and accuse me of being uppity – that is, they may think that I am trying to convince everyone that my personal experiences are "more so" than are their own experiences. Not so. For me, however, my personal experiences are a lot more fun than are theirs - at least to me. (No doubt, their own personal experiences are a lot more fun for them than would be mine.)
Zillions and Zillions
Let’s start off with a real beauty: I won the state lotto. Big bucks. Zillions. So much money that a person could not possibly know right away what to do with it all. That was this morning – really early, too. And then I awakened and dragged out of bed, heading toward that cup of coffee that I wanted right then even more than I wanted to win a lotto, or a blotto, or a hunk of risotto for that matter. This brought on a question. "Is it better to dream big and act small, or is it better to win a cup of great-tasting coffee than to have to pester around with the disposal of a zillion dollars?
Speaking of money – filthy, germ-laden stuff to handle – but often useful when standing at the counter in a McDonalds place - what’s it feel like when the bank balance at the end of a month comes to $1.79 and you know that next month’s bills are already in the Post Office to arrive here on Monday? I suppose that some might weep, seeing that balance in their checkbook register, but not me. $1.79 is a cause for celebration and even a bit of bragging. "I made it! My own mother would not have given me a chance to get through the month still in one piece – emaciated and de-fatted, maybe, but still whole." There are times for crying and times for smiling.
How dry I am
This year there came a dreadful drought here in Texas. There was no rain to speak of for 8 or 9 months. Limbs fell off of trees. Mosquitoes migrated to Florida and to Equador. The grass of the front, back, and side lawns turned brown and croaked. The air turned hotter than ever before. Each day set a new heat record such that there were about two whole months during which the temperature climbed above 100 degrees – truly a new heat record for an area so close to the ocean as this one. I would not be so crass as to suggest that no one suffered from the heat and lack of precipitation, but I really enjoyed it. Never during that time did I have to cut grass with a noisy, smoky, difficult lawn mower, nor did I have to hire it done. No water plus lots of heat equals zip-pop-zero grass growing. I did get scared that our orange and lemon trees were going to die on us, but they made it through OK. Then it rained.
Teaching old trees new tricks
There were celebrations. Joy was everywhere unleashed. Even the mayor became happy and relieved now that her new "drainage tax" actually had a slight reason for its existence. I have to admit that I was not exactly delighted about the drought now being temporarily put behind us. Doggoned mosquito eggs came to life. Grass began to grow again. To our dismay, here in October when everything is supposed to "knock it off," the orange tree and the lemon tree woke up and produced blossoms. Those idiot trees must have thought that Spring had arrived and that it was time to have babies. (Maybe there is a course on dendrological sex education available as a freebie on the Internet. I will look into that possibility.) Then I will have to figure out how to get two ignorant trees to understand whatever it may be that the course is trying to teach.
Joe really greased the Oilers
Experiences come in all shapes and sizes. I found an old VHS tape recording I had evidently made of a 1993 ( !!! ) AFL football game – the one between the then Houston Oilers (do you remember "Luv ya Blue") and the Kansas City Chiefs. My first thought was, "Why did I save that tape for such a long time?" Considering that, I believed that it must have been because the Houston Oilers had won the game. So I stuck the tape into my rickety VHS playback setup and pushed the "play" button. It turned out to be that the Oilers had lost the game –tons of penalties and a record number of sacks bestowed upon Warren Moon, their quarterback, is what really did them in. But my reward was watching my favorite quarterback, San Francisco’s reject whom the Chiefs had luckily picked up, that absolute whiz of a quarterback, Joe Montana. Seeing that rascal in action once again was worth having had to dust off the VHS tape jacket and again figure out how to replay the tape in a "system" that had long ago missed its appointment with the trash collector.
Worth their weight
Ordinarily I am not prone to attempting to experience tomorrow while it is still today, but I am thinking about it even as I beat up on my 10-buck keyboard. Tomorrow is doctor visit day. I’ve been dropping weight recently, and it has me puzzled to a certain degree. I eat like a starved hog, although probably only stuff I shouldn’t, so it is not from deprivation. I am not a worrier, so it is not that. Overworked? That word has never been sent across my tonsils out into the world. It is a wonderment, as is said among us commoners...
That is, until I squinted over at the computer screen that is showing all of those alphabetical marvels that are being flung in your direction. They must weigh a ton, all of those squiggles and little lines, dots, and the rest of the bunch. No wonder I am losing weight. As Rahm Immanuel suggested to President Obama. "You never want a serious crisis to go to waste."
Ipso-facto - a new business is born
Consider a weight-loss business that runs on keyboards. Think about it.
Maybe better yet, forget that idea.
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Howdy Good Doctor bj -
I believe that I have become a "boxer," for today it was sort of like a pre-fight weigh-in at the doc's office. Lost about another 6# since July according to docky. Prescription = "eat more." Well, that does make sense until you consider that I will have to swallow whatever it is into "some place" inside - and "inside" is getting smaller and smaller. I'll figure that out after a while. After all, if Einstein can be wrong about the speed of light being the limit of fastness of anything moving, it is likely that a bigger meal will fit inside of a smaller belly. Time (pardon that word, Albert...)will tell.
Joe Montana is #2 on my list of favorite quarterbacks. "The Snake" (Kenny Stabler) is #1. Earl Campbell was a fine running back, but I really liked Gary Brown (Houston Oilers) better. He came off of the practice squad in midseason and ran up over 1,000 yards in his first 8 games played. As for those who kicked the ball, I favored Lou Groza (spelling?) a lot. His kicking foot and its shoe were foreshortened by his loss of all the toes on that side.
Good to know that you are a football nut like me!
Gus :-)))
Got near the finish-line and thought the same thing before seeing drbjs comment Gus. Missed ya too buddy. You made a whale of a comeback though.
Hi Gus, we just had a year of drought-breaking rain that turned into floods causing death and loss of property. The dams are almost full and the billions the government spent on a desal plant looks like a poor investment, unless we have another extended drought and then they will be visionaries. I think the doc might try to encourage you to eat lots of healthy things and dump the crap in the bin along with your oiler's tape. Cheers buddy
Hello Alastar - Yes, but now I have to look over my shoulder for the sheriff because whaling is not legal in my area. You know what really surprised and pleased me? Finding out that the Good Doctor bj is, like so many of us superior ones ( ! ) a football nut. A smile a minute right there...
Gus :-)))
I like that you saw the good in the drought which was no mowing for a long time. That's what I should be doing right now, mowing. Anyhow, great musings! And your personal experiences are superior. I dreamed I had the winning lotto numbers then forgot them.
Hi Keith (attemptedhumour) - That sounds super-wet. Floods are no fun at all. We have had those from time to time. Maybe the worst two of them that I recall were caused by sudden rainstorms, both of which dumped almost a half-year's worth of rain during a single day's time. Both were designated to be "tropical storms," sort of hurricanes (cyclones) without the very high winds. Following the first of those I helped a friend in his attempt to dry out his newly-built house that had been gifted with about 3 or 4 feet of water inside. His next-door neighbor had water inside up to the ten-foot-high ceilings. What a mess. The more recent rain event was named "Storm Allyson," and she was a beauty, too. There was one section of a highway that dipped down a wee bit under another road. It was there that many motorists became trapped in high water. Their autos finally all sank to the bottom, while above floated huge 18-wheeler tractor trucks. That happened some time ago, and I no longer recall the final tally of drowned cars and trucks, but it was considerable for just that one location. As for our house, it sits quite "high" - our elevation is said to be 53 feet above sea level and, in practical terms, the house is at the top of a mountainous lawn that is at least two feet above street level. :) (So far, so good!)
You made me smile when you mentioned visionaries, the ones who put up that diesel power plant. Our visionary here is our mayor lady. She rammed through an ordinance that serves to collect a "drainage tax" based upon the square feet of impermeable space in each piece of real estate property. That includes the square feet of roof-over buildings, concrete driveways, patios, and so forth. For most homes it adds about 10% to each month water utility billing. The funny thing was that as soon as the mayor got her drainage ordinance passed and in effect, the drought hit. There was no water to be drained, really, during the next 8 months. This made this Redneck smile, just thinking about that, but the rest of the folks, the sane ones, were not laughing.
As to eating lots of healthy things, I will pass on that (pardon the drawn-out pun, there) because I prefer the barbecue, the fruits, and the vegetables to all be dead (quite unhealthy) before I attempt ingestion. Honestly, I'd prefer some good beer, but I gave up on that when I quit youth for sterner years. My bride vetoes the idea of my carousing and chasing other pretty women, so maybe I will remain stuck with the problem of falling trousers due to not enough holes in the belt. It's all in the way of growing up, I am told.
Gus :-)))
Howdy Peg -
Doggone it, Peg, I had meant to speak to you about that lotto number of yours. It was the very one that gave me that win! I never did thank you for that, so here goes: "Thank you." (By the way, there is said to be a great cure for forgetfulness. I forget what it is or where I read about it...)
Now, go on out there and mow something. Be careful about the direction of mowing. There's no telling what might happen if you make a mistake and mow something "up" instead of "down."
Gus :-)))
Hey mow! or Moe. Not today when I can so easily put it off until tomorrow. Afraid I might fall in one of those cracks in which I can see small people wearing Asian looking hats. And I wouldn't want to mow them down or up. hardeehar har.
Of course I'm a football nut, Gus. It's the ONLY sport to watch! Dan Marino was my favorite quarterback (I live in Dolphin land - they're on a downward spiral lately),and Y.A. before him (too long ago for you to have known him).
I remember Lou Groza, too, and always marveled at his skill with less than a whole foot. I even liked Garo Yepremian, too, except when he passed that ball that fateful day to the opposition instead of kicking it.
And I've been following Tim Tebow (Broncos) even tho he beat my team, since he was a U of FL Gator.
Hello again, Good Doctor bj - I'm trying to figure out how you came to be a fan of Yelberton Abraham Tittle. He played for the NY Giants... (also he peddled insurance when not playing football.) Also, I was just now giving my oldest daughter "the business" about football, so I twisted a Y.A. victory (by 7 touchdowns) into abject defeat. As I told Annie, it would have been a lot better had Tittle thrown those balls to his own team instead of to the opponent. :) Annie never knew the difference in that she is football challenged.
Speaking of football, there is a nifty way by which the game could be livened up somewhat. You and I were there when they still "drop-kicked" for field goals and for other reasons. I remember practicing the art of drop-kicking, and I recall that it was fun to do.
Dan Marino was a good quarterback, and Miami had a fine team - not so much right at this moment, but teams come and go.
The first professional football game I ever attended was on a snowy and cold day in November in either 1947 or 1948. Our whole team was at the Polo Grounds that day as guests of the NY Football Giants. I don't recall their opponent, but I do remember that the game was probably the most boring football game in the history of sport, and, further, I like to froze to brittle and back.
I'm with you - football is the ONLY sport to watch. The rest of them tire a person halfway to underwater. Tennis can be interesting, like when our old tomcat became an avid tennis fan. He'd amble on down to the courts and watch the matches, his head turning back and forth as the balls rocketed back and forth across the net. After we learned how to converse with that tomcat, we asked him how come he had such an interest in tennis. He told us that it was because his father "was in the racket."
See you around the area!
Gus :-)))
As to the ups and downs...hope we get more rain in Houston and other parts of Texas soon. The hum of mowers could become quite sweet to the ears. As to your unexplained weight loss...wishing you good days ahead. Unexplained anything is always a worry. Be well my friend!
Howdy Peggy - I gained several welcome pounds the other day just from reading your super-caloric hubs! AND, how about some snow over here? Why should the northeast have all the fun?
Gus :-)))
Not being a guy, I never remember stats or particular games or who played who, but there were many years I never missed a playoff game and Super Bowl Day was a national holiday far as I was concerned. Then I figured out watching golf while stretched out on the sofa didn't require jumping up and down and yelling things like "Kill the ba$tard!".
That said, despite growing up in northeast Kansas and thereby by default supposedly a Chiefs fan from birth, I wasn't. The Montana years were the only time I ever felt like cheering for KC's home team. Not to mention that Ol' Joe taught thousands of fans in the stadium that the 2-minute warning was NOT the signal to head for the parking lot if the Chiefs were behind, because 2 minutes was *plenty* of time for him to pull a spectacular touchdown or two out of his patootie!
As for the lack of rain, here in Central OK we've FINALLY been blessed with several inches over the last month or so after 3 months of no rain with daily 100-110 degree temps. This week's round of rain jump started a spurt of lawn growth, so any minute now I expect to hear the roar of the lawn care company's mowers and the buzz of a hedge trimmer. Beats me why they do it on a Sunday, but hey, it's included in the rent so I'm not about to quibble about what day of the week they choose to groom this complex. Even if it drowns out this afternoon's golf tournament for a few minutes. lol! ;D
JG - THAT was a really fun comment. Made me smile bigtime.
Gus :-)))
Gus, I aim to entertain as well as educate. ;-}}}}
JG - You have very good aim.
Gus :-)))
Hi Gus - You have the greatest sense of humor. I am right there with you, on the mowing the grass part. Up here in Michigan, we usually have to mow once a week, until the frost kills it off. That means winter is coming. Snow removal takes place of mowing. Yuk! I hate winter! That's all another story or poem. If I had a zillion dollars, I would worry about my cup of coffee first, before trying to figure out what to do with it all. Is that a part of getting old?
Hola Paddyboy - About that "greatest sense of humor..." I am reminded of what the great Dr. Sean Burke said to the nuns seated in the front (as usual) of his class when once he told a very slightly off-color joke to us.
"Aha, I see you sisters did not like my joke. Let me remind you that the good lord in heaven has a sense of humor and wants you to enjoy jokes. Aha, I see that you are not convinced of that. Therefore I suggest that, when you return to your barracks tonight, you take a good look in the mirror."
And, as to snow,
it's come and go.
How's that for poemery and science frozen into one?
Gus :-)))
I like it Gus. And the nun thing is a scream. Take a good look in the mirror! Lol!
Good one, Gus!! lol!
Hi JG - Tell you what - It was a fun time at college. I was the only guy attending daytime classes in that all-girl student Catholic college. For example, most of my classes were in the science building, and the nearest men's room was in the administration building which was four buildings distant. Some of my nun professors got together and donated their nun's restroom in the science building to my use. They put a cardboard sign on its door - "mAn's Room."
In chemistry lab, the nun professor (a super nice lady) assigned me to a workbench at the far side of the lab. Then she gathered all of the girls onto the other side and told them, "That side over there is the man's side. He is to stay on his side. Your side is the rest of the laboratory. You are to stay on your side." Well, I was a bit offended, for I thought that she was hitting on me for being male and for not knowing how to behave myself around females. That was not the deal. She knew that I was used to working in a lab and was worried that the girls would all gather around me for advice as to the experiments and handling of the equipment.
I only got in trouble really one time. I received an award from the Texas Academy of Science's collegiate academy and received it on stage with about 40 or so other students who received various prizes and commendations. I was in the middle of the rest of them - all pretty young girls all dressed out in nice gowns. My wife did not appreciate the company I had been keeping all that much. It makes me laugh even today to think about that event from way back in 1962. I guess that I will just have to write a hub about my college days, right?
Gus :-)))
....I will post this hub gem by you Sir Gus to my FACEBOOK page with a direct link back here and let the outside world know what wonderful buried treasure awaits them here in your hallowed hubspace - there is only one Gus in the cyber world and thank god we've got him right here at the HUB - and now I would like to make you a star at Facebook too!
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"epi" - Thank you. As you partake of "Facebook," have you ever wondered if, at the other end of the universe there might be a converse social network that those extra-terrestrials have named something like, "Buttbook?"
Gus:-)))
Buttbook! Yes! ROTFLMBO!! ;D
Hi JG - Yes indeed. Glad that my wee bit of levity toward our good buddy, "epi" served to slim down that portion of your anatomy. (I am here to serve ! ) That "Buttbook" thing was just the natural (?) result of my then thinking of those extra-terrestrials - the ones who reside on the planet, "Gluteus" over there in the Constellation, "Maximus." :)
Gus-:)))
ROTFLMBO...again! Parallel universes...yesterday's news. But opposite universes? I love it! Gives "toe jam" a whole new meaning. ;D
JG - Here I am - laughing with you.
Gus :-)))
Gus, Gus, Gus - I haven't been on here in months, and then I see a hub from you and jump on it. I love your hubs 'cuz the comments are as entertaining as the hub! I'm up here in northeast Kansas, and I'm positive you saved the tape becuz it was one of the few red-letter days when the Chiefs had a victory. I track their seasons according to my brother-in-law's gutteral wailings, etc. From across town. It's generally safer that way. :D
I hope this finds you doing well, Sir. As always, a great pleasure to meander my way to your hub.
Well now - HOWDY IvoryMelodies - Of course you are correct about the "real" reason for my saving that old video tape of the Kansas Chief's clutch victory way back when. The older I get, the more I find that everyone chips in to help me remember stuff. It is a most wonderful exhibition of downright (doggoned?) charity that a person like me could ever experience. The Chiefs tend to remind me of some experiences "experienced" by my late buddy, Jack Altman - the only ordained preacher I ever knew who could cuss better, longer, and "worser" than some of my many Navy buddies...
To wit:
Jack was a 2nd baseman for the St. Louis Browns until he got a baseball in the eye that finished his baseball career. The Browns, their whole team name being "The Brown Stockings," were the team purchased from up north, "The Milwaukee Brewers," in 1901. As a team they totally stunk other than for a brief flash of glory once in every great while. Eventually they became the "Baltimore Orioles." There were several things for which the team was noted (or which their owner was noted, it should be said.) His name was Bill Veek. He is probably the only team owner who bought his team without hving been wealthy to begin with. Maybe as a consequence of that he was tighter than a rusty bolt fastened with a rusty nut. Jack told me that Veek would hire any player he could get who was cheap enough, whether the player could hit a baseball or not... My friend, Jack, explained this to me by saying "After all, he had me at second base, didn't he?"
Veek was hated by the other team owners throughout the leagues. He reciprocated the feeling. He became famous for his having sent a midget (Eddie Gaedel) to the plate as a batter in at least one game - zany trick, that one. At the same time he had the great Rogers Hornsby playing for him. Eventually (maybe after Veek died?) one of the many managers was the well-known Whitey Herzog. Further, Veek hired Sachel Paige as a pitcher when Paige then became the oldest pitcher in the league. Indeed, Veek hired the first black guy to play in the National League before Jackie Robinson was hired in New York.
So, what we can see is that there are tons of great sports stories to be both told and read, including the travels and the skills of KC's Joe Montana. I wish I had some old VHS tapes of many of them but my tapes larder contains only one for Joe and a number of them for the old "Luv ya Blue" Houston Oilers team.
Kind of a reapeat here, just for you, IvoryMelodies, is a little football poem brought about by thinking of the famous "Bum Phillips," head coach of that Oilers team. He's still walking and talking, still wearing that big ten-gallon cow pucher hat of his, and very proud (like are all in Houston, Texas) of his skilled son, Wade, who is the defensive brain of the current "Houston Texans."
BUM'S LAMENT
Football coaching's my whole life -
Weekday play and weekend strife.
What a way to earn a living.
Football's fun, but unforgiving
Have fun today,Gus :-)))
Gus, I too wish I had tapes of Joe Montana's days with the Chiefs. Actually, it'd only be ONE tape - just the last (spectacular!) 10 minutes of each game. :-)
IvoryMelodies, I get a report on the Chiefs' performance every Monday morning from my 86-going-on-40-year-old friend Penny in Warrensburg MO who would dearly LOVE to be their coach for a day! You'd have to know her and what a die-hard football fan she is to know ONE day is all SHE'd need to whip that sorry excuse for a pro team into a winning one. So she was as surprised as the rest of us that they actually WON a game this year. Well, the law of averages says it had to happen. Even a broken clock is right twice a day... ;D
JG - Everyone needs a football nut friend, particularly if they happen to be 86-going-on-40-years-old. You know what may be surprising - not all that many Indians are following the Chiefs...
Gus :-)))
Oh, I ask her why she bothers to watch the Chiefs. She says 1) she'd hate to miss it if they went on a winning streak - yeah, fat chance - and 2) it gives her an excuse to use words an 86-yr-old great-grandma isn't supposed to know! What a treasure!
Hi JG - Love those of "gruntological" age who are still developing their vocabularies. She sounds like a real rarity - a fuzzy peach without a pit. Nice.
I suppose that I should talk, right? Had a kidney scan the other day just to please the doc. Talked to the tech and asked her how many years it was she had been scanning "kidleys." (That's an old joke deal...) She did what you'd expect her to do. "What do you mean by "kidleys?" I asked back - "I said kidleys, diddle I?"
We old-timers remember the words we used to know, all right, and don't mind learning a new word or two as we mature.
Gus :-)))
"Kidleys"? "Diddle"? Too funny! But then one of the perks of getting older is being able to remind youngsters they don't know as much as they think they do. One course that COULD be offered in schools for 20-something health care professionals (like lab techs) is How To Speak Gray Hair 101 - but why ruin the fun for us AARP card carriers. lol!
Did I mention my 86-going-on-40 friend is legally blind? Lost most of her sight to macular degeneration about 10 years ago. Can't understand why steering wheels aren't equipped with Braille so she could still drive. (Lord help us if she ever finds out newer cars come with talking GPS to tell a driver when and where to turn and "radar" to detect objects in front and back!)
drbj Level 8 Commenter 6 months ago
Missed you, Gus. And it wasn't my bad aim! Do hope that your unexpected weight loss turned out to be a minor blip on your horizon.
Chuckled when I read that item about Joe Montana - what a find he was for the right team.