Swiss Chard Part 1 -The Great Swiss Chard Expose

The Great Swiss Chard Expose
or
Cooking Chard While Laughing Hard
(A very Happy Cookbook)

Foreword　

Why an expose’ on Swiss chard?

I am constantly bombarded with questions concerning Swiss chard. When people ask about Swiss chard, their faces usually have very blank expressions. Why is that? Imagine how if you, yourself, were to come along and ask me, "What is Swiss chard?" What sort of an expression would your own face be wearing?

Think nothing of such matters. More importantly, try to figure out whether or not Swiss chard came from Switzerland, a land of high mountains, glaciers, fine timepieces, and Swiss cheese. Do the Swiss have chard farms, or do folks over there grow the stuff in clay pots?

Does it really matter where Swiss chard came from? What really matters is that, once you get the stuff cooked (or not) and onto your dinner table, it is where it goes. Indeed, Swiss chard is good to eat – but only if you know how to prepare it.

The problem with Swiss chard preparation is that ordinary cooking of this remarkable food by ordinary cooks is by simply boiling it – and that would tend to bore a person at least halfway to underwater. That’s why I put this monumental Swiss chard cookbook together.

Now, cookers of Swiss chard can become happy, frivolous, smiling, quivery, and downright exalted.

In any event I hope that these fine recipes and the tales that go with each of them become a real joy and an impressive help to you. To spur you on along the way toward that lofty goal, I have even come up with a Swiss chard cooking motto; "It’s never too hard to serve super Swiss chard." (I’d say that was pretty corny, but corn is another vegetable altogether!)

My intention is to present these recipes and their tall tales one at a time until I run out of them. To help you find them, I will precede the title of each of them with "Swiss Chard" (or the like). If you want to share them around, it is OK with me. They should print out nicely, and you can even save the illustrations with them if you use the PDF function provided here on Hubpages.

Here is the first of the lot:

Once upon a time, and by that I mean one time and one time only, there was an odd sort of emperor. He ruled over the mystical kingdom of Chard.

Chard was located far away from wherever you now happen to be. Chard was close to nowhere that you might care to think of. That is what made Chard so tough to find if, indeed, you were even looking for the place. Chard’s remoteness made it possible for the Emperor of Chard to hold firm control over his empire, lo those many years ago

The land of Chard was a land considerably flatter than were most lands. Chard was also a land very close to sea level. Chard was blessed with a distinct richness imparted to it by flatness, lowness, and, what is called today, effluence. Effluence, by the way, has nothing whatsoever to do with affluence. Then again, if often does have much to do with affluence. That is to say that the affluent of Chard produced much effluence. (If you are befuddled by that stuff, dictionaries can be of assistance...)

Switzerland, having almost no such attributes at all, coveted those of Chard. During the so-called Swiss Neutrality War, the Swiss armies clambered down the mountain slopes and conquered Chard. That is how it is today that the Chardian native food became known as "Swiss chard."

In America, we relish such old-timey native foods, but we have not forgotten how to look back into history and enjoy learning some of the lore and customs of lands from which those native foods came.

For example, history teaches that the people of Chard came up with a number of sayings and expressions that are still in use today. Some of the wordings have been changed a little or a lot, but their origins remain in the memory of mankind. "Swiss Cheese" is one of those expressions. It comes from the Chardian, "Cheesitum Suissers" which means "Scram – here come those Swiss again."

Another one, "Howd’ya do," also came to us from the ancient Chardian language. Back in that old empire, female voices screaming "How’jadoo" could be heard up and down the narrow streets whenever the rich and handsome Jadoo of Chard ventured forth on one of his daily morning jogs.

The Emperor of Chard had little or nothing to say about any of this stuff. It was about all that he could do to pay his newly-imposed Swiss taxes and to keep the several remaining common folk from gobbling up the newly-named Swiss chard that still grew in the Imperial Garden.

Oh yes. The Emperor grew angry. Wouldn’t you be upset if your flat, low, and effluent kingdom were taken over by Swiss invaders who then renamed your own delicious native food after themselves?

So much for introducing everyone here to chard, and after the big invasion of Chard, to Swiss chard. We’ll take things a step at a time henceforth. The first step will be getting chard ready to go. After that, the recipes will come along. Stay with me.

Getting Chard Ready to Go

If you are a 100% do-it-yourselfer, buy good Swiss chard seeds from the seed store, the hardware store, or from anyone who may be willing to sell some to you. One good type to buy is "Germains Swiss Chard (Lucullus) which is also known as "Alcachofa Aporcada Suiza Lucullus." No way am I going to attempt my own translations of those things. 5 grams of those seeds should be quite enough to plant a 25-foot long row. Stick the seed into the ground in early spring and on into late summer. After about 40 to 60 days thin out some of the plants if they appear to be too close to each other. Eat the thinnings (using the recipes to follow).

Cut or yank the outside stalks of the chard. Clean them in cold, running water. Then chop the leaves and stalks. About an inch per chop works well. Do not waste any worms. Those you find should be saved and put back into your garden.

Now, if you do not grow your own, but if you are lucky, the grocery store might have some Swiss chard for sale. Few do, but, you may be lucky.

As a preview, the next Swiss chard article will contain "How to keep dogs from trampling chard" and instructions for wonderful "Popp Chard," the simplest of all the chard recipes.